Sadness
When the anger subsides the sadness creeps in. As adults we must self soothe. Don't complain and don't cry. Keep your disappointments and broken hearts to yourself. Who is there for me to talk to anyway? I have no female friends. Ax can only listen so much. My confidant is my mother and it's her who has let me down.
I have childlike expectations and build things up in my mind. I don't know how to be less sensitive. Surely my family helped to make me this way. Why should I be completely responsible for the adult I've become? Tears well up behind my eyes despite me wanting them to dry up. My chest aches with a dull pain that I don't want or need.
My blue feelings aren't entirely because of the party that my parents won't be attending. It's more. I can't put my finger on it. I'm all alone so often. Inside my own mind. With no one around to fill the void. Ax is there for the few precious hours of the evening after work. But there are about 10 hours that are empty.
I have childlike expectations and build things up in my mind. I don't know how to be less sensitive. Surely my family helped to make me this way. Why should I be completely responsible for the adult I've become? Tears well up behind my eyes despite me wanting them to dry up. My chest aches with a dull pain that I don't want or need.
My blue feelings aren't entirely because of the party that my parents won't be attending. It's more. I can't put my finger on it. I'm all alone so often. Inside my own mind. With no one around to fill the void. Ax is there for the few precious hours of the evening after work. But there are about 10 hours that are empty.
posted by Jenni at
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
4 Comments:
I have learned to expect very little from people, even those close to me, because I know that where there is expectation, there is disappointment.
I have also learned to enjoy being on my own. Sure we are social animals, but until we know how to be content independently, we are just setting up ourselves for unnecessary anxieties.
Sadness comes with the territory of love. You cannot have one without the other. In the end you have to worry about yourself though. Depending on others may seem like you are setting up yourself for heartache, but unfortunately "no man is an island". It's an unescapable part of the human condition. I try to give without thinking. If I'm lucky I get something back in return. If not, well at least it helps me feel better about who I am. That's something that has to come from within. If You can make yourself feel good, everything else is gravy.
I know how hard this is going to be, and how futile as well, but you had a point . . .your mom is your confidant. Have you tried to talk to her about it? Have you mentioned how hurt you are that they couldn't postpone their trip to allot for the celebration she was aware you were planning?
Meghan, Yes. I told her that I wanted her to reschedule. She said she couldn't because they had already made reservations. I told her that I supposed Gatlinburg was more important to her than I was. All she said was, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I said, "Me too." And I hung up on her. That was Monday. Today is Wednesday and I havent talked to her since. Ir sucks and I'm still pissed.
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