Shhhh...Don't Tell Anyone

I have a secret to confess. As of Sunday I am off the pill! While this excites me, it also scares the everlovin' crap out of me. I have somewhat conviced Ax that it will take at the very least a year for me to become "expectant". I like the term "expecting". It sounds sweeter that "pregnant". Anyway, truthfully and obviously, I have no idea how long it will take me to become expectant. I've been on the pill for ten years now. After my divorce I went off them for awhile and it seemed my "system" was totally screwed up during that time. However thyroid problems could have been an issue and that is now under control. So who know what will happen? Only God. I've prayed that He be in control and that my life be lived according to His perfect will. No matter how it plays out I can't help the excitement within me. I have no one in my life that I talk to about such things. I talk to only one girl, Sherri, that I went to high school with. And ironically she has just had a hysterectomy. Sherri has an eight year old boy that is severly austistic. I understand that she certainly has valid reasons for her choice. It just seems beyond odd for me to call her up with this news when her surgery was only a few days ago. So, internet world, it's you who I'm telling!! I don't really talk to my mother about stuff like this. She is honestly and truly the absolute busiest person I know. It seems difficult at times to get her attention long enough to confide in her.
Anyways, Ax is totally apprehensive. He knows I'm off the pill and worries that I'll become expectant in guiness world record time. I've tried to convince him otherwise. It feels somewhat deceitful on my part because in my heart of hearts I'd be happy if I found out tomorrow that my hopes had been fulfilled. Odd place to be in, I tell you. Wanting something but scared of what I'm wanting. Oh well, I know that when it happens it will be wonderful.
It's completely strange how for so many years of my life I feared becoming expectant. Obviously I even have a bit of an aversion to the word itself, not to mention anxiety about the condition. And now, I'm hoping for it.