My Bipolar Neighbor

My neighbor, Teresa, is a very talkative woman. Her favorite thing to do is to catch Ax outside at anytime, morning, noon or night and corner him. She enjoys telling him about why various vehicles are parked in her driveway as well as the current status of any relationship in her life. For some blessed reason the woman never bothers me. Only poor, poor Ax. Recently the conversation revolved around how she'd broken up with "Ed" (whoever the heck that is) and how now the new vehicle we'd be seeing belonged to "Don". She also informed Ax that the car would be there all night however Don would be sleeping in the spare room. Teresa then proceeded to tell Ax how she'd told Don that if he tried any "funny" business she'd stab him in the eye. Yeah, sure....we believe you. Sure, you're not gonna be getting your old lady freak on. We believe you, uh-huh.
Ummm...okay, maybe it's just me but that sounds more than a little CRAZY. Ax never, ever iniates these conversations. When he tells me about them I just laugh until I cry. Laughing at the sheer hilarity of it all and crying for both Teresa's nutiness and poor Ax's wasted time.
Last nite Teresa called over to our house and asked if we'd like some of her home made chili. Weeeelll, not really. But in the spirit of being a good neighbor, "Sure, that's awful nice of you"......and awful in other ways too. Ax took a container to her house to get the chili. He came back and put it in the fridge. About a half a minute goes by and the phone rang again. This time I answer. Guess who? Yep, it's Teresa. She told me that she meant to give Ax some banana nut bread while he was there. I'm thinking, okay, that sounds a little better. Ax refused to go back so I went to retrieve the banana bread. Teresa then began to tell me that she often throws extra food away. She said that she should remember us, to give us the extra food instead of wasting it. I then proceeded to lie to Teresa. I told her that was really nice of her and I thanked her. As these words were coming out of my mouth, I thought, What the *&@#%! Do we look like we NEED your scraps, lady?! I mean seriously, it's nice to be thought of OCCASIONALLY. But don't be calling me with your LEFTOVERS. Have you looked at my booty lately? I don't need your food. (Unless it's boiled lobster or crab legs). I have plenty of my own average everyday food. Goofy nutty neighbor.