Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Nonsense

When I'm driving down the road I can think of so many creative things to write about in this blog. Then I get here and wonder what the point is. There have been many things on my mind lately. As usual. The day started monotonously. The alarm goes off...I wonder why I have to get up. I know I have to go to work, but why? Then I robotically go get in the shower and begin a monotonous morning routine. Automatically doing everything. Why does life have to be so boring? I realize that if suddenly something were to happen that changed my routine I'd most likely be upset. I suppose I say that because usually only something bad would upset my routine. Like if for some reason I had no water. That would certainly throw a hitch into the plans. The same thing...everyday. Get up, get ready, drive to work, go into the office, sit at my computer for 8 hours with a measly 1 hour break, dread the day until 5, then it doesn't get much better. It's just a different set of 4 walls to stare at. Go home, make dinner, do laundry, do the dishes, put up the laundry, watch TV. Oh my god, I'm going to commit suicide. No I'm not. I'm just tired of my life. Don't get me wrong. I know that I am blessed with good health, a nice home, a sweet husband (most of the time), and an innumerable amout of other things to be thankful for. It's just that life seems so empty. Does it come down to me being too lazy to change it? I know that Ax hates and dispises change. I am not afraid to move from one home to another, to get a new job, to have a baby. He on the other hand is and I suppose his hang ups are stifling me. I have come to understand that the only way to truly be satisfied is to serve God. My heart loves Him but what does my life do for Him? I believe that my God given talent is to write. I am good at writing letters and composing things of that nature. Is there a way to use what I am good at for the glory of God? I don't really see a way. Should I print up a flier or something and hand it out at church that makes my ability available? Who the heck would need a service like that? Who would call? It sounds stupid. Not to mention the fact that Ax would not like it. He doesn't think anything should ever be done for free. I am the complete opposite of that. He wouldn't like me giving up my time for anything other than the afore mentioned monotonous daily routine. Where does this leave me? Miserable and unfufilled. I am searching for something but I don't know what. I desperately need something that I can't see, touch, feel or describe.

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