Memories

It's entirely possible that my mind is in over drive.
Out of no where, while I'm driving down the road, or doing some mundane chore, a memory will suddenly intrude upon me.
A memory that I've tried to forget, that I wish had never happened.
It's awful when the incredibly stupid and terrible things I've done in my life come back to haunt me.
Most of my regrets involve men.
I desperately wish I'd been not only much more conservative but chaste as well in my youth.
Loneliness has lead me to shameful places.
A desire to be wanted and loved lead me to compromise what I hold most dear to me, my self respect.
Impatience with life and a constant need to be seeking. Seeking a way to fill my time and empty heart were my downfall.
I remember what started it all for me. When my ex-husband showed up to sign divorce papers with hickeys on his neck. I'd been lonely and miserable. He'd been out forgetting me. I decided right then that if he could do such things so could I. I began to medicate my wounds with men. Someone to make me feel desirable. To make me forget my pain.
It took many heartaches and mistakes for me to understand that no amount of healing would ever come from a man. I came to understand that before I could find happiness with someone else, I had to find peace within first. It's so cliche, but so undeniably true. I've found my peace and my happiness.
The problem is that I'm still haunted by stinging regret and embarrassment.