Wednesday, June 28, 2006

7 Months

I can feel the emotions welling up inside me. Just waiting for any little reason to overflow. The end result is that I end up bawling over nonsense. Ax made himself coffee this morning. He went to put milk in it and we were out. He made a hateful remark. Oh Holy Morocco. I held it in until I got into the car and on the road. It is not smart or easy to drive when your eyes are full of tears and you can't catch your breath. I had a hell of time reaching for a napkin in the glove box. It was all I had to mop up some of the waterworks. And then...Ax called. He said he was sorry and was being so sweet to me. That just totally made it worse. I cried harder. He offered to take me to dinner tonight, to take me to buy some jewelry for an early birthday present, to make dinner himself tonight if I didn't want to go out, to take me to the aquarium in Chattanooga to see the butterfly exhibit again. Ax is such a sweetie. I'm thankful to have him and thankful that he is so tolerant of my nuttiness.

Outside of the occasional emotional breakdown, which thus far is honestly a fairly rare thing, I am doing well. My belly is growing daily and according to Ax and everyone else, I am definitely obviously preggers now. I can feel Wyatt (that what we've finally decided on) moving a lot. He's swimming around and kicking and punching. I am joyful with every motion I feel from him.

I must admit that with the increasing girth comes increasing discomfort. Discomfort at looking at my fattness in the mirror. Clothes fit weirdly. My face is puffy. I am swelling in a variety of places. Sitting or lying certain ways just doesn't workout for me these days. But I do realize that this is only a very minor preview compared to what I have to look forward to in the days ahead. I am going to make an honest attempt to cherish everything I can about this experience. I may not be blessed with every going through it again. I am thankful.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Vacation and a Missed Funeral

Friday, June 16th, my grandfather passed away. I was at work when I got the call and went straight over to be with family. I stayed with them all day and went to the funeral home to make arrangements. I explained to my parents and grandmother about the vacation plans for the next day. Everyone said that Ax and I should go. I wanted to be with my family but I also realized that if I didn't take this opportunity for a vacation I probably wouldn't get another one for many years. So, we went. My mother said that many people asked about me and all she told them was that I was out of town. I feel a little guilty. Especially when people express their sympathy. I'm thinking..."Thanks, but I was on the beach." I never thought in a million years that would be my prevailing mental picture in relation to the death of my grandfather. It's screwed up. tell you about Destin, FL. It is an absolutely gorgeous place. We went out into the ocean up to our shoulders and could still look down and see our toes. The water was amazingly clear in places. Ax and I enjoyed beautiful weather and great restaurants. The beaches are white and the shopping is spectacular.
Our little condo at the Surfside was pretty nice. My only gripe there is that the damned toilet wouldn't stop running the entire time we were there. The only other not so great thing is that when we arrived on Saturday we had to check in at the resort office. From there we headed over to the condo. We got lost. And aggravated. After 8 hours on the road our patience was wearing a little thin. Not to mention that it seemed as though the young idiots, (oops, I mean young men), at the resort office were STUPID. After driving another 45 minutes when it should've only been 15 we found it. Other than that everything was great. Except for the fact the we went out to eat at Fudpucker's on Saturday night and whatever Ax ate gave him a horrible case of the runs all day Sunday. Poor guy.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


My grandpa Moon (my dad's father) is dying of cancer. The hospice nurse spent the night at my grandparent's house. Moon stopped breathing twice last night. My parents had to rush over there at 3 a.m. I was there yesterday evening. Moon will probably pass at anytime now. I will feel horrible if I miss the funeral. I desperately want to be there to support my dad. He is really upset over all of this, understandably. I've never been very close to Moon but I still want to be around if anything happens.

Now, the awful dilemma is that Ax and I are supposed to leave for Destin, FL on Saturday. My mom and dad understand that we've planned this for almost a year now and have paid $300 towards our reservations. But my own heart and conscience will be in awful shape if I'm not around. I also realize that Ax would definitely rather take our vacation than sit around on a death watch. That's reasonable. But my heart isn't reasonable.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Freak Out!

Okay everybody, I know this may come as a shock...but did you know that in a few months there will be an actual BABY living in the nursery??!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seeing the crib, the changer, the chest, the rocking chair sitting there, waiting to be used by a little human is a bit of an eye opener to say the least.

So you're wondering what the heck I've been thinking up until this point? What did I think was going to be happening in that room? It has just fully sunk in and frankly scares the heck out of me. And I'm not even going to THINK about what awful things I will have to go through in order to bring this little human in my belly out into the world *shudder*.

Two funny/strange things:
1. Ax says I now, for the first time ever, make funny noises when I'm asleep. I realize this is true because I've awakened myself several times. In a very cute way, Ax has asked me if it has anything to do with the baby moving at night *giggle*. I of course told him no. It's because I'm dreaming and talking in my dreams. It's strange.
2. Ax's mom, Wanda, has been nicer to me lately. Yesterday she said to me, "Would you like something to drink, hon?" The woman has NEVER used any such term when speaking to me. After she left the room I actually had to ask Ax if I had heard her correctly. Very Strange.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Blogger is Taking Me a Step Closer to the Straight Jacket

This will be my 3rd attempt at a post in the past three days. The frustration is mounting. If this entry fails to stick I may seek out explosives and blow something up. Blow what up? I have no idea. Just something.
The first post I attempted was about how my mom did not attend EB's wedding. Mother let petty grievances and imagined slights keep her from supporting family. Family ties and weddings are valuable and should not be compromised. Period. My mom and EB have always been close. Mother disappointed me in this.
The second post was about how I was feeling utterly isolated and crappy. Lack of friends and close family leave me lonely. Work is stressful and tiring to say the least. Ax is busy with his own priorities. I feel so alone. My post was expressing all these feelings.
Today's post will be better. Maybe the blogging fairies will allow my words to make it to the site. I've made it to Friday. Last night we had court here and I didn't leave until almost 10. I am very exhausted. Work this week has been a butt-kicker. I have answered appox 1 million phone calls, talked to half as many rude jerks, and handled thousands of dollars of filthy money. Filthy in the literal sense. Money is just so dirty. It leaves my hands feeling all gross and germy after counting it.
Tonight Ax and I are going to see the new Pixar movie Cars. I think it will be great. Hopefully this weekend will be full of rest and accomplishment. I hope to find a rug for the nursery and maybe curtains too if I'm lucky. We've also got to visit our fathers early for Father's Day. The reason for that is that we are leaving for vacation next Saturday! I am so excited. I just hope I don't give out between now and then.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Fatter and Crazier

Being pregnant has made me worry more in the past 6 months than I've worried in my whole life. Eyes, ears, heart, lungs, intelligent brain, arms, legs, and all sorts of innards...their growth and function creep into my thoughts with every kick. I pray constantly for my baby. I want desperately for him to be healthy all over, inside and out. My patience is being testing to it's very fullest extent. Having to wait nine months to find out if he's completely okay. Having to wait sometimes hours between kicks to reassure me that he's alright for the time being. I wonder how people are so confident that they purposely go through this multiple times. Maybe I will see things differently after he is here. I just don't know how this is going to end up. I'm already fatter and crazier. Guess I'll be a fatter and crazier MOTHER. I know I have much joy to look forward to. Maybe I'm too impatient. Maybe younger mothers have an advantage over me in that their youth makes them a bit more worry free. I'm trying to distract myself with the positive aspects. Like the beautiful nursery furniture that we ordered Friday evening. The crib, changer, and chest are walnut. Babies R Us said it would be in in 7 days!!! It may freak me out even more to see the furniture in the room and have it further sink in that in a few months a little baby will be residing in this room!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

6 months

The ultrasound today was wonderful! Everything is progressing well. The baby weighs 1 lb. 9 oz. It's a miracle. He has little legs and arms and all his parts seem to be in the right place. He was in there kicking and twitching the entire ultrasound! I'm still amazed by it all.