Thursday, September 29, 2005


All of a sudden my mind will wander. It will remember a place that I haven't been to in years. I'll remember the way the sun reflected off of things around me. The way the wind blew and how that breeze felt. The smell in the air. My memory makes me want to revisit these places. To feel those same things again. Like it was a happy time for me and I want that happiness back. It' mine but somehow I've lost it. Those carefree places I've been in my life. Just riding down a particular road with no special destination. What most often captures my memory is getting up early in the morning and stepping outside. Feeling the brisk air, seeing the sun beginning to brighten my surroundings. Remembering the excitement I felt at some vague point as I was leaving out on vacation. It's a bittersweet memory. Because I know that this day and all the days to come will be the same. The excitement is only a memory. This day I will only get in my car and go to work to be bored to tears. The day will be wasted. Those teasing memories of exciting days gone by are indeed melancholy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I am working alone today and it's driving me nuts! It's getting to where there is too much to handle for one person. Ya know what really aggravates me? The phone won't ring for like an hour. Then I'll go pee and it rings the whole damn time I'm in the bathroom. Then I hurry to get to answer it and the stupid thing stops ringing right as I get to it!! Uggggggg!
There is a butt load of work to do to. Not to mention the stuff on Mike's desk that I'm clueless about. Clueless that is as to what point of processing he has reached with it. And I HATE typing warrants. For some stupid reason Mike has not elected to upgrade our warrant program. It's still on DOS!!!

Somebody shoot me, please. I would love to walk outta here and not look back. It just feels so unorganized and sloppy. And I don't know if you have ever realized but my mess is ALWAYS organized!!!

Hope your day is better than mine.

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Fur Flies

I was just wondering what my position is on fur. I love animals and I've questioned myself about how far my feelings for the animal kingdom extend. Is my love of animals such that I would say the use of animals for their fur is cruel? While I'm sure that I would be extremely grossed out by the process of taking the fur from the animal I'm rather inclined to say that ownership of real fur items is basically okay. In my own small town mind I'd have to say that owning one or maybe two special items made of real fur is okay. Unfortunately I am aware that I live in a greedy society. Celebrities want to own a hundred fur items that coordinate with all their outfits. Already my own unstable opinion is faltering. I'm beginning to think that ownership of real fur becomes cruel when ownership is excessive. When have I not thought that this society is excessive? Not often to say the least. It's probably horrible in a way that I'm sitting here thinking about how luxurious real fur is. God blessed animals with amazing, beautiful fur. I honestly can't blame people for owning select items. So where does that train of thought lead me? If I'm idiotic enough to say that it's okay to want it because it's pretty is it okay to own a live exotic animal because it's nice to look at? That would be cruel. To take an animal out of its environment and put it in a confined space just because it's fun to look at is beyond absurd. Okay, so it's illegal to take possession of the creature and better to kill it for it's fur. Ewwww....I don't like where this is leading or where the fur is flying.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


I feel icky. All of a sudden my clothes feel itchy and uncomfortable. I'm wearing the usual office attire. My idea of office attire is certainly more comfortable than what most folks wear. It's just that my bra feels all wrong. My hair is touching my neck and forehead the wrong way. The material this shirt is made of is scratchy. The cherry on the pie is that my head hurts. It's been hurting horribly since yesterday morning. Yesterday my headache was bad enough to kill a horse. I know that doesn't make much sense it just sounds funny to me. Yes, I'm goofy. I know this. It's just that the headache was awful. At one point yesterday I honestly thought I was going to blackout. I didn't though. I'm still alive. My body feels yucky today. Yucky is a funny word. Yucky, yucky, yucky. Icky, icky, icky. Funny words. My brain hurts. My neck hurts. Church was good last nite. Glad we went. I wish I could walk out of this office and be free. Not today.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Unexplained Things

This world is a strange place. My mom went to see a move called "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". Mom told me about the movie and frankly the entire idea of it all freaks me out. This world is so full of unexplained things. I know that there are demons on this earth. I don't really think they roam around looking to jump into people. However I do believe that some people ( who are more succeptible and maybe even "weak" is the word I need to describe these people) have the potential to become possessed if they open themselves up to the darkness that demons inhabit. Of course, I'd have to mention that I don't think anyone would ever do such a thing purposefully. It's just that I believe if a person is not saved and covered by the blood of Christ and such a vulnerable person is in the wrong place at the wrong time then a possession could occur. Acutally the entire thought of it completely creeps me out. I am glad for my vast ignorance on this subject. The Bible clearly states that we should seek the light and the truth. Witchcraft and demons are the complete opposite of Christ. I know enough to thank God for all the good and beauty He has created. The light is so very wonderful. The darkness so frighteningly, disgustingly ugly. The only purpose the movie that my mom went to see could possibly have is scare some people into recognizing that we must all choose a side. Which team to be on. There are no spectators. We all in the game. Which are you associated with? Discussions like this one, that I've mainly had with myself, make me realize that if I want to be a child of God I must act and speak a little better. No, not a little, a lot. My language could certainly use some cleaning up. That's for sure. And I wish I didn't allow myself to be talked out of going to church. Church is were I go to re-charge. Church is my coping mechanism. Prasing and worshiping God renews me, strengthens me, gives me hope.

Friday, September 16, 2005

M & M's what if I dreamed last nite that I was the person who had to paint all the "M's" on the M & M's??? I had a finely tipped paint brush and it was my job to paint the m's on. I remember thinking how tedious it was. Maybe it's a reflection of how I have come to consider my own job in the waking hours.
The judge really aggravated me last nite with the way he handled several things last nite. I become so frustrated because he truly sucks at being a judge. There's just no way to sugar coat my opinion about his style or ability. While he is a very nice person that does not make up for what I have to sit idly by and watch and fill out the paperwork for. I have applied for a couple of jobs in a different field. I wonder if I'll hear anything back. I wonder if I really want to leave the job I am in now.
So anyway, how do they get all those m's on the M & M's anyway?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Life Decisions

Well, I'm 28 and I want two things. A baby and a new house. If I have the baby I will have to go part-time at my job thereby lessening our household income significantly. Obviously a new house would be unaffordable were such a thing to happen. If I get the new house I will have to work full-time for at least another four to five years to pay off other bills before I could even imagine going part-time. So where does this quandry leave me? I know that in my own mind and heart I would desprately want to work only part-time if I had a baby. It would seem neglectful to work full-time therefore making my baby part-time in my life. However my current house is only two itty bitty bedrooms and one bath. We share a driveway with my neighbor whose house is so close I could almost spit on it from by back porch. We also live on a really busy highway. Now for the soul searching. I have always considered myself to be the sort of person who puts a very high value on family and love while despising the ugliness of materialism. So where does this leave me? In this situation the word "practicality" keeps smacking me in head like a hammer. Ax and I are already a little cramped in our small space. Could we make adjustments for a little one and not go insane with quanderies like where to stack the newest baby toy? Hmmm....a part of me wants to say that yes, we could make arrangements. Another part of me highly dislikes the reality of not only having to make that room but also acknowledge the fact that the living arrangements would remain as they were for a few years, during the youngest years of our childs life due to my desire to work only part-time while the baby was little. It's all about sacrifices. Sacrificing space and proximity to my neighbor for a cute little baby to love and share with Ax. Writing is so very therapeutic. I believe that I've answered my question here. Babies are better than houses.