Monday, October 31, 2005


I am so effing mad right now that I'm shaking. My dad is finally home from Iraq and stupid me thinks that I should get excited because now he and Mother can come to Ax's birthday party this Saturday night. I've been planning it for two months. As it's come closer I've had happy thoughts in my mind of my mom and dad being there. OH BUT DAMN NO NO NO. Mother and Daddy are zooming out of town together to stupid ass-munching Gatlinburg. I mean seriously. Ax and I have a party at our house about once every three years. I have put mega time and effort into planning this. Ax was looking forward to Mother and Daddy being there too. I told Mother about it several weeks ago. But does it matter???!!!! NO NO NO. She completely forgets about it and makes her reservations. DAMN IT. My mom and dad have three kids. Jeff is a drug addict who lives with mother and daddy along with his wife and three kids. Jonathon is a lazy bum that still lives at home at age 26 with no ambition or goal. I am living a decent life, successful in the sense that I have morals and don't do drugs. Jeff or Jonathan want something and they bend over backwards. I want something and forget it. Literally. KISS MY ASS MOTHER. KISS MY ASS DADDY. My damn feelings are hurt. But I know you are too busy to notice.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Celebrity Power & how would I act if I met one?

I have an intrest in reading about the lives of celebrities. Actually I shouldn't say that I'm really all that intrested in their lives per se, more like the gossip about their lives. I don't think I could really put my finger on what has lead me to develop this intrest. What it basically boils down to is that I find the life of a celebrity to be so very fundamentally different from my own life that they fascinate me. Take Paris Hilton for example. I'd image that she is extremely self-centered and shallow. Basically uneducated about the troubles and strife of the common man. However she is filthy rich and ridiculously famous. And does she use her power for good or evil? All I see is her hopping from one rich playboy to the next. I admire nothing about her. However her fashion choices amaze me at times.
Another fascinating celebrity is Angelina Jolie. She is drop dead gorgeous and is known for her global intrest in the welfare of children. She has adopted a little girl, whom she rescued from the brink of death. Angelina has announced a desire to adopt other children. The woman seems to be using her celebrity power for good.
Anyway, the point of this pointless rant was that at times an odd question will insanely pop into my head: How would I act if I were to meet a celebrity? Granted this little part of the world is unlikely to draw anyone of significance but I can only wonder. If I were to be in line at the grocery store and I suddenly looked over to unmistakeably recognize Brad Pitt, what would I do? A sophisticated, intelligent part of me (small though it may be) hopes that I might be able to quietly say hello and smile at him knowingly without causing any unwanted attention to be drawn to him. Another, less sophisticated part of me (larger though it may be) thinks I might loudly say to anyone around that, "Hey ya'll that's Brad Pitt!!!" Oh well, I really don't know what I'd do. The bets are on that I'll never find out. Seriously, aren't celebrities just people too? I wonder sometimes.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Amusing Survey

1. Let's say I give you $500 and tell you that you have to spend it before the end of the day. What do you spend it on? Clothes and SHOES!!
2. What part of your body is most ticklish? My sides.
3. What is the most you have ever vomited? Labor Day 2005, Went camping drank too many orange malt liquor beverages...IT WAS HORRIBLE.
4. Hey! You're a new late night talk show host! Which three celebrities are you going to have on your first night on the air? Katheryn Zeta Jones, Gweneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp
5. Is there any entertainer that you've always wanted to see perform live but haven't seen? Madonna
6. Give me two true statements about yourself and one lie. Not necessarily in that order. I am shy. Scary movies give me nightmares. I have two tatoos.
7. What makes your blog different from all the rest? It's my outlet for self expression.
8. What is your biggest fear? Being alone.
9. What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done naked? (If you have to link to a story on your own diary, please do so) Cooked dinner.
10. Make up a word right here and now and type it in. Boog
11. At what age would you consider to be the best year of your life and why? 23, Divorced from a miserable, pathetic moron
12. What is the worst thing you've ever done to a friend? Told her darkest secret to my husband and it made him dislike her.
13. Without bumming us all out ... what was a really humiliating moment in your life that you can laugh about now? Walking across the gym in 8th grade while the whole school sat in the stands and fell flat on my face
14. From "The Office": What are your five "Desert Island" DVDs/Videos? Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Wizard of Oz
15. What is the one major holiday that you don't particularly care for? Halloween
16. At which point do you think your life changed forever? At a party in Trenton, GA in July 2003 where I met my husband.
17. Would you rather work a four-day workweek and make the same amount of money you're making now or get an extra $100 in your paycheck each week and work the hours/days you're working now? Or is none of this applicable to your current situation? Four day workweek!!!
18. Make up a definition for the word you invented in Question 10. Are you having a boog day today??
19. What's your favorite dessert? Ultimate chocolate cake at O'Charlie's (Rich chocolate cake with chocolate icing)

Fear and Family

I went to lunch with my brother, Jeff, yesterday. He is out of re-hab for the umpteenth time.When he called to say that he was coming to meet me for lunch I could feel the emotion in me rising. The tears welling behind my eyes, the knot in the pit of my stomach. Jeff has such a special place in my heart. I was always closer to him when we were growing up. We've just always had a sweet and special bond. As we grew older I suppose that we became more alike and he seemed to find glee in pushing my buttons. I suspect now that he was mean to me because of his addiction and he disliked me because he misunderstood me...i.e. he thought I considered myself upright, uptight, or better than him. I was never any of those things in my mind. I'm not sure if I really ever did anything to perpetuate these thoughts in Jeff's head. Anyway, the point is that Jeff and I have come full circle. He is struggling so very hard and miserably with his addiction. Five years is an awfully long time. Jeff struggles with a lot of guilt too. He has three little children: Aaron age 6, Lauren age 5, Preslie age 1. Jeff told me at lunch that he would spend 12 hours a day looking for a way to get high. That is just about all of his waking hours. He said he felt like it was a second job. Jeff has taught me a lot about drug users. I always thought drug addicts were bums with no jobs, living on street corners. Jeff has managaed to keep a good job with the City throughout his entire addiction and stints in rehab. Although he has lost his house and almost everything of value that he could sell. I have prayed so very much for Jeff. But I understand that Jeff has a free will that not even God will interfere with. Jeff told me that he is seeking God. He realizes that he can't control his own life so he must give that control to God. I sincerely hope that Jeff moves forward with that realization. He can talk a good game but in order to give control to God a person MUST seek him. Seek Him through his Word and through fellowship with other like-minded individuals. I have thought of Jeff so much lately. I want so very badly for him to succeed. I would do absolutely anything for him. I just don't know what to do. I called him today. Told him I was thinking of him and that I loved him. I want to do more for Jeff. I just don't know what to do unless he asks me for something. God please surround Jeff with your spirit and give him strength to overcome his addicition for the rest of his life so that he may be your servant.
On a very wonderful note, MY DAD IS IN MISSISSIPPI...HOME FROM IRAQ!!!!!! Praise God. I can't wait to hug his neck. Thank you God for my earthly father, who is truly a good man. Thank you for bringing him home.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Red Lipstick

Isn't red lipstick the most fabulousss thing ever created? Sometimes I'm naughty and I order from Avon. I must admit that it is risky to order lipstick and colours based on pictures in a catalog. There often misleading. But a part of me finds it fun. When I've received my order, what colour will my products actually turn out to be? Just a little fun for my cloudy little world. Yesterday the sweet little old lady, Betty is her name, brought me my latest order. Wonderful mascara that lengthens and volumizes. The advertising for the mascara actually said it would make it look as though you have false eyelashes. It works magnificiently. (My mother frequently wears false eylashes. She has big beautiful eyes and the falsies wonderfully complement her eyes. Mother is very feminine and has a beautiful style). And OH the lipstick. Luxiourious! I'd actually say it's more of a bright cranberry colour. Makes my lips speak to you before I do. After Betty brought me these little treasures yesterday I had to immediately try them on and very shortly thereafter received a complement. There is nothing more feminine than long eyelashes and sexy red lips. My husband, Ax, likes the new colour. Although I feel the need now to confess a bit. Ladies, be wary of any orange shade of lipstick. While if the shade is worn with the right shirt or blouse it can be attractive. I once ordered an orangey shade from dear old Betty that nearly made me cringe when I saw it looking back at me from the tube. I tried it on and it looked okay but I wasn't wearing the right colour clothing. The next day I made a point to wear a coral coloured shirt so that I could try out my new shade of lipstick. Ax was a little taken aback. But I loved it. I realize that if any man were to read this post and had made it this far in his reading he may be amused to find out that women will wear clothing specifically to complement the make-up they chose. Absolutely! New jewlery may require a new outfit. New shoes most certainly do. And sometimes, yes sometimes, a new lipstick shade will require new clothes too. Women can be wonderfully funny creatures. Another confession: it was quite difficult this morning for me to resist planting a very red kiss upon Ax's cheek, just for giggles.

Monday, October 24, 2005

In My Own Mind

I feel the cold air. The season has changed again. The wind howled and blew fiercely at my house last night. The wind comes down off the mountain and blasts against the house. It shook and rattled. I dread the coming of winter. It seems as though I stay cold to the bone the entire season. While I love the holidays and the cheer, I'd rather it be 80 degrees with only a few clouds dotting the sky. Honestly I wonder if I could truly enjoy the holidays without the cold. Sweaters, coats, gloves, and hats seem to be the image in my mind with a Christmas tree or Thanksgiving dinner.
As the seasons change and I see time passing by I can't help but wonder. When will there be a significant and visible change in my life? I want a family but I sometimes feel as though the time will never be right to move in that direction. I am not impatient. I've waited until age 28 to ponder these things so seriously. I'm ready for the season of my life to change.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Many topics have come up this morning.
1)Prisoners that have educational opportunities available to them. Incarceration making it possible for a convict to obtain a four year college degree. A part of me questions the justice in this as well as the cost. However the higher minded part of myself realizes that the more you educate an individual the less likely he is to recidivate. Also noted has been the aspect that surely no fool would become a convict in order to have access to educational opportunities available in a correctional environment.
2)The horrible, frightening, heartbreaking things that some people do to children. The case on regarding the Groene family is more upsetting than words can adequately describe. Another case about the woman who threw her children into the bay in San Fancisco. What really troubles my mind is that I know there are people in the world who do terrible things to children that are never brought into the light. My heart hurts for the children. May there be a hotter hell for those who hurt or neglect children.
Job 12:22He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.
Daniel 2:22He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.
Luke 11:35See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.
John 1:5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it
John 3:19This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.
John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 12:46I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.
Acts 26:18to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.'
1 Corinthians 4:5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.
Ephesians 5:8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.

I did not intend to select so many verses but they are all too valuable to neglect. The Word of God gives me hope for mankind and for the world. May He have mercy on us and save us from the darkness.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The BAD: My brother has been addicted to opiates/hydrocodone/oxycontin for 5 years now. He was kicked out my mom's house recently and had claimed (once again) to have become clean. Jeff lives there with his wife and three kids. My dad called from Iraq and told him that he would be out for good when my dad got home if Jeff was still using. Well, last night Jeff announced that he would be checking himself into treatment today. Turns out he was never clean. I'm so fed up with him. Why is he so selfish? Why can't he control himself? His little children are so precious. Why can't he spend all that money that's going towards drugs on his babies? Damn it. I love Jeff so much. I'd give my own life for him. He is charming, good looking, witty, smart (most of the time), only damned 24 years old. God, help him. I've prayed so many prayers for Jeff that I know God will have to help Jeff. If not because He is sick of my broken record prayers. Honestly there is Good in Jeff going into treatment. Though hope is in short supply because he's burned us all so many times before.
The GOOD: Daddy is leaving Iraq tomorrow night! Praise God!! He will be in Biloxi, Mississippi. Back on US soil!!! My goodness, I've missed my pop. It will be joyous beyond words when I'm able to hug his neck. (I need to get a grip, I'm tearing up just thinking about it!) My mom is jumping for joy too! Understandably. It's been a very tough year for her. Putting up with Jeff. Dealing with Jonathan. And Oh My Garsh, the crap from my dad's sister Jackie and her husband Todd has been unreal, just completely unreal.
The UGLY: I have had the most horrible, gawd awful migrane headache for the past two days. It's just either gonna have to let up otherwise my head needs to just friggin go ahead and explode. Just get it over with. I woke up Tuesday night at about 1:30 am with a disgusting, throbbing pain on the right side of my head. I took migrane medicine and then could NOT go back to sleep until like 5:30 am. Needless to say I felt like total crap on Wednesday, and my head was STILL hurting. I have a headache now and I'm praying it lets up before the circus starts around here. We've got court tonight. Yeah, fun. Lemme tell ya. At least it's not the judge that considers the rulings he makes to be a joint decision between the two of us. Yes, you read that right. Granted it is only midemeanor traffic court but the man will look over at me to help him decide how to handle cases and decide jail time. Uh-huh, I know it's batshit crazy.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


My head is aching, throbbing. There are the odd times that I feel as though my senses have been acutely sharpened. It seems as though my eyes perceive the light more harshly. My ears hear sound very sensitively. It's almost as if a part of my brain has been awakened and punishes me with pain. This pain makes me think differently. I consider the things around me differently. I think of my day to day activities in a strange way. While the pain is somewhat disabling I find it stimulating to reconsider my mundane daily routine. I feel in control. I can make it whatever I decide I want it to be.

No work yesterday

I got up yesterday morning and got ready for work. Ax left before I did. I began to look for my car keys. I couldn't find them in any of the usual places. I called Ax and while I was talking I remembered that I had left them in the car the night before. I walked out there while on the phone to see if the car had been locked. Of course, just my was locked up tighter than Ft. Knox. Great! Ax was already almost to work and had plans for lunch. I had to call my boss and tell him what a Rhodes Scholar I am. Wonderful. However I must admit that it was relaxing to stay at home and do nothing. The only productive thing I did was to plan Ax's birthday party. Wine, hors d'oeuvres, and birthday cake. Fun!

Friday, October 14, 2005


The mood was set with a dim light. The two of us were lying in bed engaging in light conversation. Ax was talking more about his new job. I was expressing my utter exhaustion because court had lasted until 9 p.m. Suddenly I tell him that I am desperate need of some LOMAT. The perplexed look upon his face hints to me that he is a litte confused. I burst out laughing as I say: I need some Lay On My Ass Time (LOMAT)!!!!
Maybe the vanilla rum and coke that had accompanied my dinner was influencing my ridiculous goofiness. Maybe not. It could just be that I have been known to break out with senseless goofiness at anytime or any place without provocation.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Who, I ask, just who??!!

Who in the ever-loving crazy world we live in could possibly spend $300 on a pair of friggin shoes?!! It's beyond my scope of understanding. I just can not imagine having such a luxurious amount of extra income. The question also remains, even if I had this expendable income, wouldn't I feel guilty for spending it on something as ridiculous as shoes? Seriously, there is a new crisis in this world every other day. Wouldn't my money be put to better use elsewhere? I suppose a conscience would keep in much less expensive shoes than these (as I already obviously am):

And besides, they're totally stomp-dog ugly anyway. However I suppose I must admit that there would surely be luxuries available that I would find irresistable if I were in such a position as to discover them. Alas, I am not in such a position. So the world turns.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Things you "think" you know...

If I am the dumbest person you know then it must be noted that your scope of acqaintances is far too limited.

My quote of the day for the world to benefit from. This thought occured to me as I passed a certain big wig up in City Hall who thinks far too much of himself. Being pompus is such a handicap.

The Heart of a Soldier

When most people drive past a person standing on the side of the road holding a sign they ignore them and keep driving. Maybe the driver feels pity for them. Maybe they scoff at them because they think the person is just looking for hand out. “They can work just like I do” is a comment often heard. Not everyone reacts the same way. There are exceptional people in the world that do exceptional things.
Rick was driving down the road after leaving his job at the National Guard Armory. He was thinking how uncomfortable his uniform was in this miserable heat. He had the air conditioner blasting as fast as it could. The weatherman had said it would be almost one hundred degrees with a miserable level of humidity. Was he ever right. It was mid afternoon when the sun is its hottest.
…Samantha woke from a restless sleep in the uncomfortable seat of the van. She felt hot and the wind didn’t relieve the smothering humidity. Joey, 7 years old, is restless in the back seat. “Mommie, I’m hungry.” Sam looks over at Matt, the driver, who has a worried look on his face. “Sam, I don’t think we’re going to make it much further. The tank is on E.”
Matt takes the next exit off the interstate and makes it to a church parking lot. He begins to contemplate the chain of events that led him to this point. As the heat beats down on him and his wife and child wait expectantly for him to solve the problem he remembers…
The job sounded promising. His boss had told him that they needed laborers for a construction site that his company was setting up in Tennessee. They were building offices near a mall. Matt knew that the job he was on now was coming to a close so he thought it would be a good idea to leave Florida for a while and try something new. Maybe see those mountains he’d always heard about. It would be good to be in a new place with Sam and Joey and to have a fresh start.
They’d started out with money to drive up and stay in a cheap motel long enough to get a couple of paychecks and start renting somewhere. But that all ran out when the van’s carburetor went out somewhere near Atlanta. Matt had to pay a mechanic to do all the work. He didn’t have any of the right tools with him. He couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been to forget them.
Matt had driven to the job site and found out that construction had been delayed for a month due to some zoning issues. His options were limited. He knew he’d have to rely on the kindness of strangers. So here they were. Out of gas and praying for a way to get home. Matt knew that he wasn’t going to leave Sam and Joey alone in an unfamiliar place. They started walking.
The nearest intersection was a short distance away. It seemed like miles because of the pressing heat. Matt had made a sign with an ink pen he’d found in the van and a discarded piece of cardboard. His sign said, “Need Gas.” They’d been standing there for three and a half hours, sweating and miserable. All they had to show for their first experience at begging had been that a little lady had stretched a single dollar out to them from inside of her air conditioned Cadillac. The possibility of sleeping in the van with no food was looking like it might become reality. Matt said a prayer asking God to send help.
Sam wished more than anything that she was back in Florida. The little two-room apartment they rented there wasn’t much but it was home. She was hungry too and it’s not easy telling a seven year old that he has to wait a little longer for dinner.
Just as hope was fading away they saw him. The man was in a truck and wearing army camouflage. He had circled around twice. Rick had almost kept driving when he saw the man standing on the side of the road with the sign. He’d made up his mind to stop when he saw the little boy. Rick’s own grandson was five years old and it tore at his heart to see a kid out on the side of the road in this miserable heat. He circled around the block to get back to them and pulled up beside them.
“Hey Buddy, what do you need?” Rick asked. Matt could feel the cool air blasting out of the truck and told the stranger in a crisp army uniform that he needed some gas money. Matt introduced himself and explained that they he and his family were stranded on their way back home to Florida. Matt told Rick that his van was back in a church parking lot a couple of blocks over. Rick said, “Hop in the back, the little guy can sit inside with me if he wants to.”
When everyone was settled in Rick drove them over to the van. Once there, Matt and Sam got into the van and thankfully it started. It sputtered all the way to the gas station. On the way Rick asked Joey his name and how old he was. Joey told him and then asked Rick if he was a soldier. Rick told him that he was then said that it was really hot outside. Joey said, “But it feels really good in here.” Rick said, “Yeah it sure does. Are you hungry?” Joey said, “Yes.” Rick told him that when they got to the gas station he could go in and pick out whatever he wanted to eat and Rick would pay for it. Joey smiled and asked if he could get something for his mommy and daddy too. Rick said that he sure could.
When they got to the gas station Rick paid for a full tank of gas for the van and the food and drinks Joey picked out. Matt thanked Rick sincerely and shook his hand. Matt didn’t know how to tell the soldier how much his generous heart meant to him. Rick waved goodbye to them and wished them a safe trip. Rick thought about them the rest of the day. He didn’t sleep that night either for worrying about them. He prayed for them. It wasn’t the first time he’d helped strangers and wouldn’t be his last. Being deployed to a foreign nation for your country amounts to helping millions of strangers that you’ll never meet.
My dad, Rick, is the most generous man I know. My entire life I have watched him set an example of this. He has always given his time, anything he had, or been willing to do a favor whenever asked. Not many people are like my dad. A generous heart such as he has is a rare and wonderful thing. He has more friends than could ever be counted who appreciate and love him. His family is more proud than I know how to say to have him. Daddy, I love you.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt

On Saturday my family met at the local amusement park to celebrate my five year old neice's birthday. We all had a great time! I got to spend a little time with both my brothers and the kids. I rode the roller coaster. It was great! I haven't been on it since I was a child and I absolutely loved it. However the roller coaster was the only thing I rode besides the haunted house. It seems that the basic principal of all the rides is to spin a person around in circles. Either that or lift you up really high and then DROP you! I happen to have a terrible time with motion sickness. Those rides made me sick when I was a kid and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would make sicker than a dawg now. I remember as a child riding them all and then barely making it home in time to barf all over the front yard. I'd do the same now only it's far more likely that I would not make it to my house. Aahhhh, those care free, younger days and seeing that amusement park again. It's almost exactly like it was when I was a child. The same for when my mom was a wee lass. Ax enjoyed the outing as well.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A Secret Place

Yesterday I was outside for a while. There is a paved, wooded path not far from where I work. I walked to the path to enjoy the beautiful day. It was truly wonderful. A sunny day with a light breeze is refreshing when it can be experienced in a peacful environment. However (...there's always a however, isnt there?) I could hear the traffic around me and see the road. The noise just completely took away from what I wanted. What I wanted and still want is a secret place. A place that I used to imagine in my childhood. The secret place is tucked into a corner and is surrounded by trees with walls of ivy. I have a quiet place to sit and there is a stream or creek nearby. There is no traffic, no civilization, only the sky and the delightful nature that surrounds me. The green of the grass is vivid and the sky is the most lovely blue. The sky is a little cloudy, for I adore clouds. They remind me, as do many things, of God's majesty. My secret place is actually a garden I suppose. It belongs only to me and no one else. I may have found my garden when I was a child. I've lost it now. I desprately want to find it again. To be there with no sense of time.