My First Memory ...In Honor of Meghan

In my first memory I was about three years old. I was at my dad's parents house. I call them Bobbie and Moon. Or maybe Grandma Bobbie and Moon. Anyway....I was in their front yard. They still live in the same house. I was standing there and suddenly the devil dog appeared. The devil dog was rather smallish to medium sized. It had longish white hair and fangs three inches long. At least that what those teeth looked to a scared three year old. The dog came to the corner of the yard and started growling and barking at me and baring its teeth.
I froze.
I just stood there, unable to move an inch, and started screaming at the top of my lungs.
My grandpa Moon came running out of the house to get me.
He scooped me up and brought me inside.
Some how during this...he broke his toe.
I don't remember which toe it was, but I remember standing at the edge of the bed looking at his feet. It seems I was about eye level with them, and his feet were huge and ugly.
I remember feeling bad for him because of his toe.

I find this memory to be rather funny. I've never really like Moon all that much. But I'm certainly thankful that he sacrificed a toe for my safety from the devil dog.

That dog was really horrible. I was terrified to go outside at their house from then on out. I can remember seeing that devil dog into my teen years. May it not rest in peace.

The bad part is that now Moon has been diagnosed with cancer. Just today I got a call that he'd fallen in the tub and possibly had a stroke. My mom and dad are in Panama City Beach, FL right now. They went down and were staying on a military base there for some training for my dad. They weren't supposed to be back until Sunday. They've had to rush back. However dad has talked to Moon today and he says all that he has is a bad headache. Maybe it will all be okay, at least for awhile.

Thoughts...

Last night I walked on the treadmill. It rained a lot yesterday. I do not have the stamina I once had. I realized as I walked yesterday that the last time I used the treadmill in that very room I was wondering when it would be a nursery. Now it's happening. The last time I walked on it must've been sometime in January. After that the nausea made me too sick to care about walking. Then the weather warmed up and I was able to walk outside. It amazed me how differently the room looked with my new perspective.

I learned yesterday that my thyroid levels were pretty low when checked at the doctor last Thursday. I wish my doctor would check it more often. While I hate giving blood with a passion I give it gladly to make sure the beanie's going to be okay. My synthroid dosage was upped quite a bit. These fluctuations are unnerving. As far as the blood giving goes, I would love to be able to give easily for donation. It seems I've been cursed with small veins. God's little joke. Nothing else I have is little. I've been stuck up to three times in one sitting by techs in search of a vein. Once, I was pulled over by a cop while I was in college, two days after giving blood. He questioned me as if I were a drug user because of the bruises. It disturbed me to say the least.

My grandmother has annoyed me far more than usual today. We had lunch plans on Monday. She called to say she didn't feel well. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
On Tuesday she was waiting to hear from an insurance adjuster about her recovered vehicle. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
On Wednesday she suddenly remembered an outting with the ladies from her work. "We'll go tomorrow" she says. I'll call you.
Today she says she has no gas for her car. I get these excuses after she says that we will go "tomorrow". Evidently tomorrow is never and I'm an idiot for attempting to make plans with this woman.

I'm considering an entry about what a book about my family would be like. Maybe for tomorrow.

18 1/2 Weeks

I had cake for breakfast this morning.

I hope I'm not squishing my baby when I lean forward.

Things are stretching and growing. Especially at night. It's just what I think.

I want Taco Bell NOW. (Yes, it's 9 a.m. here)

I think Ax will be the best daddy in the world.

To Meghan:-- I think we are going to name the baby Ty (if it's a boy). I just have a feeling.

I need a haircut. Maybe it's these vitamins, but my hair is growing like crazy.

We are having a yardsale in two weeks. I REALLY hope we sell ALL our crap. If not only to keep us from having to load it up and donate it.

Funny how things pop into your mind randomly. My cousin Haley in Nashville is only 16. She's a cheerleader, blonde, spoiled rotten (she drives a 2006 Eddie Bauer SUV) and is drop dead gorgeous. She is also the biggest SNOB on the planet. She barely speaks to family when she's around, which is rarely. I remember when she was little and we'd hear stories of how she had trouble pooping when she was a baby. I should remind her at the next family gathering THAT I KNOW THIS. Heeeheeeee. Damn I'm mean. But it's just so fun.

I want to decorate the nursery NOW. My mom needs to get with it and come up with her part of the nursery furniture money. Maybe I'll go buy the curtains this weekend.

IRONY FOR THE DAY. I was just doing spell check on this entry. I misspelled "nursery"....I spelled it "nusery"....and the spell check suggested "misery". YIKES.

Busy, busy, busy!!!

Thursday I went to the doctor. I've gained 9 pounds. Excuse me while I commit suicide.
On May 4th we find out if it's a boy or a girl!! I'm excited beyond words.
Thursday we also took granny out looking for another car. Her Corsica was stolen about three weeks ago. It was stolen in broad daylight from her job, a nursing home where she is a receptionist. Seems she may have conveniently dropped the keys in the parking lot for the perpetrator. Granny could not qualify for a new car. She has ruined her credit with credit cards. She was turned down three times.
Now for the suspicious part.
Her Corsica was found by the police.
Thursday night.
After it was determined that she could not qualify for another car.
She's either got a serious prayer line to God, or serious mob connections. Probably it's just that my crackhead cousin Mark called his buddies to leave the car in an obvious place.

Friday night we went to a Chattanooga Lookouts ballgame. We got to sit in a press box with some friends. The game was rained out by a semi-monsoon at 3 innings. I was sure the Lookouts were going to loose anyway. Within the first five minutes of me watching the game, the second baseman dropped the ball THREE times. Either his glove was buttered or he'd been paid off. Turns out that the remainder of the game was played the next day and the Lookouts won, 9 to 2. I'd have like to have seen that. We'll be going back in a few weeks for another game. I really enjoy them.

Saturday night we went camping. I did not sleep at all. Our tent was pitched on very, very slight incline. Barely noticeable. We slid downhill all night. *Insert eye roll*
Sooo not fun crawling up the tent all night long, trying to drag my blankets.
That night, I had some marshmallows roasted on the fire. Previously I've never been very impressed by roasted marshmallows, meh.
Saturday night I could've eaten the whole damned bag. Four is what I stopped at. Only because everyone was staring at me. Seems marshmallow goo all over my face and mouth may have caused the looks. They were magically delicious! (wait, that's Lucky Charms)...Maybe this could be a clue as to where those horrible nine pounds came from?!

4th Anniversary...There are Good Men Out There.

Thursday is our 4th Wedding ANNIVERSARY!!! I can't believe it. I never dreamed that after so many disappointments I could love and be loved by such and amazing, wonderful man. He impresses me daily with his humor and quality of character. He has made me feel beautiful since the first minute I met him. Ax told me he loved me first, in a letter. I still have it. We met in the most unlikely place. At a party that I didn't really want to attend. We spent some time together that night, after he humored me with an off color story. My first impression of him was that he was crazy. I remember thinking, "Well, I certainly don't have to be on my toes around this guy, I couldn't care less what he thinks of me." So I was my usual self, whatever that is. I told him about my career and education. Generally I try to be modest, but with this guy I didn't care. Then as the conversation progressed I realized that he wasn't all that bad. Then, as the conversation progressed I realized that he wasn't all that bad. I realized that a few drinks had made his tongue loose. My impression of him certainly improved as the night continued. The first thing I really remember about him is his smile, laughter, and blue eyes. He was also the most handsome guy I'd ever laid eyes on. I never dreamed I'd be his type. He is so physically fit and strong. I am not either of those things. I am a plus size. When we met my hair was blonde and I had a good tan. My weight is in all the right places and I know how to accentuate them. Evidently it worked for Ax. Thank God. Ax is the most responsible, forward thinking person I've ever known. I am a bit impulsive and spontaneous. He is calculated and planning. We balance each other. I say, "Let's go, now!!" He says, "Hang on a minute. Did you consider (something I never thought of)??"
I am the most blessed girl on the planet. I thank God for my husband. He's what I've always dreamed of, only better. I pray the I can be the best wife to him possible. And in addition to having his love, I am blessed with being able to have his baby.

Once upon a time I was miserable. I went through life wondering what I'd done so horribly wrong to make me deserve the awful life I was living. Now I wonder what I've done to be so wonderfully blessed. Thank you God. Thank you Ax.

Nightmares

I am an idiot.
There I said it.
The first step to recovery is to admit your problem, right?
I am an idiot because...guess who watched two extremely scary movies yesterday evening and then didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes a stretch????
That would be me, my hand is in the air, I'm bouncing in my seat. Guilty as charged.

My eyelids are drooping.
I hope what I'm typing makes sense.

Ya'll, really. I tried to watch the Wizard of Oz to block out the scary images. But the Lollipop Guild just didn't cut it. Images of Hannibal Lecter were seared into my brain. Every time I closed my eyes, there he was. Doing some God awful, unspeakable thing. Like eating someone's face, or brain, or feeding their own brain to them.
Yep, if you are unfortunately familiar, we watched Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal.

I must admit that occasionally I enjoy a good scare. However these are maybe more psychological frights, not the kind where someone jumps out and says, "Boo!"

The only reason I got up to come to work today was because I was absolutely NOT going to stay at home all alone today with these lovely images to keep me company.

5 things about memememememememe

1. My front teeth are slightly off centered. Not really noticeable unless I've told you about it and you look. Glad you can't see me. Once upon a time I could make myself feel a little better about this by telling you that Tom Cruise has the exact same thing going on with his teeth. But now I won't say that because. GAH. Tom Cruise is a couch-jumping-mutant-whack these days.

2. If I were rich I'd get a pedicure every week. Ya know the BUDGET...can like totally stand in the way. I love, love, love them. While I am prone to choose the odd color for my toes occasionally. I just like variety and to be unique. Um-kay. Well, maybe the truth is that I just have a weird sense of style. Whatever. My feet are ticklish and can make it difficult to not burst out laughing during it all. But this nasty article that I came across kind of rained on my parade. http://www.webmd.com/content/article/36/1728_79101

3. I love bologna and cheese sandwiches on white bread with miracle whip. Sue me. They were a staple when I was growing up. Ax just gags at the sight of mayo. I've told him that I'm eating extra, extra, extra of it so his baby will like it. He gags more. *smiles wicked smile*

4. I secretly want my baby to be a boy. Just weirdness about me. We'll find out in a week or two. However it must be totally mentioned that I would LOVE a daughter too.

5. My cat is the funniest cat on the planet. He is big and black with white whiskers and paws. His name is Hershey. (yep, I named him...the other cat was Snickers, but she has gone to kitty heaven). Ax and I often go for walks on the railroad tracks behind our house. Hershey likes to follow us. The last time we went, on the way back he got tired. He would run out right in front of me and lay down. I could've tripped over him. He just wanted us to stop and rest and pet him. He did this like three times in a row. Cute little booger.

Grrrrrrrr

I'm having a bad day. That's not a good way to start off at 9:30 a.m. It just seems that everything is totally pissing me off. The damn phone keeps ringing. I desperately want to smash it into little bits with my bare hands. There is one particular dipshit (* isn't dipshit funny looking when typed, better to be just said*)...anyway, what point was I making here? Oh yeah, the dipshit that keeps calling. His stupid kid got into trouble and the guy keeps grilling me about the way we do things here. Which I must admit that the kid doesn't sound entirely stupid, just young. At least that's the extremely limited impression I've gathered from speaking with his father. It's pissing me off and making my hormones act up! I try to be polite and give as much information as possible. Not because being a court clerk requires me to expound any and all information I have floating around in my wee little brain, but because I sincerely try to be helpful. I consider myself a public servant. However when I feel as if I'm being interrogated and run through the ringer, I become frustrated to say the least. Lemme tell ya people: You get faaaarrrrr more flies with honey. That also translates into: You get faaaarrrrr more information with a polite and un-insulting attitude. I mean damn. I will answer your questions to the best of my ability and in the most forth-coming way possible if you'll just PLAY NICE. Not because I have to, not because you sound smarter than me or richer than me, only because I have decided to be helpful. And my damn supervisor could hear me becoming agitated. Instead of helping or aiding me in some fashion, he says, "Watch what you're saying, now." He only said that because an asshole police officer had walked up to my window and could hear everything I was saying. I wasn't truly saying anything inappropriate whatsoever. See ya'll, I'm pissed.

I may leave early today. Kiss my ass clerk's office.

Kicks

I could have S W O R N yesterday that I felt distinct kicks in my belly. It just stinks not being sure. I'm an amateur, ya see. I was sitting in front of the TV and I stopped what I was doing to concentrate. It felt like there was another.
So, who knows? Guess I'll have to wait until the little soccer player gets bigger so that I can recognize kicks unmistakably.
...they're either kicks, or I've got some serious gastro-intestinal problems that are going to have to be addressed in the near future.

I go to the doctor next Thursday. I can't wait! I am sooooo looking forward to hearing the heartbeat again. I'm also hoping that my ultrasound will be scheduled to see if the Beanie is a boy beanie or a girl beanie!

Medula Oblongata...ya know, from Water Boy

My nephew's birthday party was fun. Weeellll, once my dad stopped trying to get himself arrested by one of the amusement park security guards.
Mom and dad had brought pizza for the party from an outside vendor. The security guards weren't going to allow them through the gates with the pizza. My dad, who is famously short tempered, started yelling and raising hell. Right before my dad decided to flip out, my mom was told that if the pizzas were put into a bag to cover up the name on the box, then they would be allowed in. My dad's hissy fit only served to delay things. After we all went in, daddy apologized to the poor, elderly security guard he'd yelled at. My dad's Medula Oblongata is outta whack.
I won't even tell the story about my dad punching a guy who had come out to my mom's office that wasnt' supposed to be there.
More on Medula Oblongata problems...
Tom's party was pretty wild. At least wild from the "Only Sober Person" there's perspective. Tom and Sandy both work for the same company. Tom invited some of the older crowed there that he works with. And these guys got D.R.U.N.K. The memorable quote from the night is "Lick that up!!!"
The quote was made in reference to liquor that had been spilled on the counter.

Birthday Parties

Going to two birthday parties tomorrow.
The first is at the local mini amusement park for my 7 year old nephew.
Hope the rain holds off.
Just got the invitation for it 4 days ago.
My SIL is soooo quick and responsible.
Didn't anyone ever tell her that these things should be sent out at least 2 WEEKS in advance??!!
Hell, I wouldn't even complain if she'd just got them out in at least 7 days advance.
And not for my benefit, but for the benefit of my nephew. He wants his friends there.
Not everyone is as spontaneous as my Brother and SIL.
Some people actually plan their weekend before Friday night.

The second party is for Tom.
He was mentioned a few posts ago.
His wife is Sandy.
Tom likes to drink.
So you all can guess very obviously what kind of party this will be.
I will not be drinking, DUHHHHH.
I will not be doing beer runs, as I will be the only sober person there.
Tom and Sandy live out in the sticks.
The nearest liquor store is a 35 minute drive away.
Nope, not gonna do it.
You can't make me.

All I can say is Sandy better have some good food made.
If I'm going to bring my preggers self over there and be sober all night.
Food dammit, NOW!

Memories

It's entirely possible that my mind is in over drive.
Out of no where, while I'm driving down the road, or doing some mundane chore, a memory will suddenly intrude upon me.
A memory that I've tried to forget, that I wish had never happened.
It's awful when the incredibly stupid and terrible things I've done in my life come back to haunt me.
Most of my regrets involve men.
I desperately wish I'd been not only much more conservative but chaste as well in my youth.
Loneliness has lead me to shameful places.
A desire to be wanted and loved lead me to compromise what I hold most dear to me, my self respect.
Impatience with life and a constant need to be seeking. Seeking a way to fill my time and empty heart were my downfall.
I remember what started it all for me. When my ex-husband showed up to sign divorce papers with hickeys on his neck. I'd been lonely and miserable. He'd been out forgetting me. I decided right then that if he could do such things so could I. I began to medicate my wounds with men. Someone to make me feel desirable. To make me forget my pain.
It took many heartaches and mistakes for me to understand that no amount of healing would ever come from a man. I came to understand that before I could find happiness with someone else, I had to find peace within first. It's so cliche, but so undeniably true. I've found my peace and my happiness.
The problem is that I'm still haunted by stinging regret and embarrassment.

16 weeks

My belly is growing. It's feeling mighty preggers these days. Its an odd sensation to describe. I'm not really feeling movement yet, per se. Only occasional flutters that make me wonder.

Target is my favorite place to shop for maternity clothes. They're cute and comfy. I've been wearing the pants lately. My regular clothes have become too tight.

I had a vivid dream last night. In my dream I went to the fridge and got out a bottle of red wine and poured myself a glass. I drank about a third of it and gave the rest away. First of all, red wine isn't usually chilled. Maybe it was one of those that is. Second of all, I wouldn't drink a glass of wine right now for anything.
It's possible that what prompted this dream revolves around my sister-in-law Kelli.
She asked me if I would drink wine at this point. She said that it's supposed to be good for you. I'll agree that a daily glass may be good for you when it's only YOU THAT YOU'RE DRINKING FOR. I told her NO WAY.
My response was actually that I could just imagine my baby being born cross-eyed or something. Then the doctor looking at me and saying, "Sorry your baby is cross-eyed. Guess you shouldn't have had that glass of wine." Kelli just laughed. However it makes me wonder what all she did while she was pregnant. I know she smoked. That's horrible enough if you ask me. Kelli is truly ignorant is so many ways. It just seems that she fails to fully use that grey matter between her ears. Although it must be acknowledged that I too am very ignorant in many ways. Ignorance can be bliss. There are too my scary things in the world that I'd prefer to remain completely oblivious of.

Every healthy, beautiful, intelligent person alive is a walking miracle. It's frightening to think of all the things that could go wrong even before we are born. Something so very minor could cause so much difficulty. I pray everyday for healthy baby.

Intensity

These days there is no simple thing about me. Everything I feel or think is intensified by one thousand degrees.
HUNGER. When it comes to meal time, don't stand between me and my food. It seems as though my hunger is frighteningly stronger than ever before. When the pangs come upon me I must eat and soon. If I fail to eat soon, not only do I become horribly cranky, but I get an awful headache as well.
ANGER. I don't just get a little upset or aggravated. I become furiously angry and want to commit murder. I made Ax breakfast Saturday morning. Instead of coming to the table to eat within 5 or maybe possibly 10 minutes later, he NEVER came. He was on the computer working with eBay. I waited, then I ate ALONE, and he never came. There was much yelling that ensued shortly thereafter. I could literally feel myself becoming more and more angry.
SLEEPINESS. When my eyelids begin to droop the countdown to coma time is less than 60 seconds.
EMOTIONS. Saturday Ax and I went over to my mom and dad's house. My brother and his wife were there with their 3 kids (they live there). The kids were all riding their bikes. The youngest, Preslie, is 1 1/2 years. She got off her big wheel for a second. Lauren, 5 years, decided to steal it from her. Preslie began to yell, so Kelli (their mom) went over to make Lauren get back on her own bike. When Kelli gave Preslie her bike back, Preslie said "Thank you".
OMG, it was the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. My heart absolutely melted.

So I guess what I'm saying is that so long as I 'm not hungry, upset, or sleepy I'm doing okay.
Hmmmm...I sound like a big 'ol baby here.